Pro Male Jokes?

A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

Q. What’s long and hard and makes women moan?
A. An ironing board.

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to heaven.
As they arrive, they have to have a short interview with an Angel with a clipboard. ‘When you’re lying in your coffin, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?’ he asks.
The first man immediately responds, ‘I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.’
The second guy says, ‘I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and fine schoolteacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.’
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, ‘I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!”

A woman is in court for shoplifting.
The judge asks her: ‘So what did you take from the shop?’
The lady replied, ‘A tin of peaches.’
The judge said, ‘OK, how many peaches were in the tin’?
‘Six’ she answered.
‘Well I’m going to sentence you to six days in prison, one day for every peach.’
A man at the back stands up and asks to speak.
‘Let him speak says the judge.’
The man says, ‘I’m the lady’s husband, and can I just say…she also took a tin of peas.’

That is priceless! I’d love to know how her bank handled this.

Rochelle

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 To make an appointment to see me.
2 To query a missing payment.
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;
DOESNT SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)